ANXIETY
The girls that get it, get it. Anxiety has been a defining characteristic of mine for the majority of my life. It has permeated everything: friendships, relationships, career, travel, the past, the present, the future; you name it, I’ve worried about it. The longer I live with it, the more I realize how common it is… yet it often gets glossed over, invalidated or dismissed entirely. I think talking about it is the first step towards working through it. So let’s talk about it.
In a shocking twist of fate, here I am, feeling anxious yet again before yet another solo trip. I don’t need to look down at my Apple watch to see the stats pertaining to my racing heart; I can feel it thumping uncomfortably against my ribs. My hands are shaking, my mouth is dry, and my eyes are… not dry.
I'm so scared. It’s the only thought running through my mind, again and again and again. I intersperse it with synonyms, of course–a symptom of the English major that has never left me–but the message remains the same.
Ever since I can remember, I have felt a pull towards travel. It was intrinsic, instinctual: an invisible string wrapped around my heart and tugging me towards… something, someday.
I’m going to throw up. I’m going to throw up, and while I’m at it, I may as well just die, too. I may die. Logically speaking, I could die. It’s not off the table.